A Short Movie Review: Hercules

AKA “The Rock with a beard”

Solid sword and sandals action flick. I quite enjoyed it. Doesn’t take itself too seriously, but had some darker parts, so a nice balance. Did you like “Scorpion King”? This has a similar feel, but it’s a better movie. Did you see “300”? This is like that, but not as comic-booky and dumb. Did you watch “King Arthur”? This movie definitely could’ve benefited from Stellan Skarsgård as the main baddy, but other than that, it had a similar premise but it’s waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy better in every way. Some nice legend subversion. Ummm… yeah, good movie for a snow day. I give it a solid 5 lion-head helmets out of 7.

A short movie review: Mad Max Fury Road

Holy moly it’s great. Maybe it’s just because I’ve been playing a lot of Fallout New Vegas lately and so am in a post-apocalyptic frame of mind, but really, what’s not to love? Take out the 50’s nostalgia and add in 70’s shock rock, and Fallout is Mad Max. It’s basically a non-stop chase scene, violence, explosions, machine guns, and more horribly deformed wacky zany characters than you can shake a stick at. And the vehicle designs! And the soundtrack!

Plot, there is not, but style in spades. The best movie I’ve seen since Pacific Rim, and I’ll give it 5 blood-and-gasoline-soaked skull-encrusted steering wheels out of 5.

A short movie review: The Hobbit: Whatever Whatever, blah blah blah

I guess if you’ve seen the first two you ought to go and see the last one. It’s better if you go to the sports bar across the road from the theater and have a couple beers first, though. Just sayin’.

A short movie review: Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters

When you hear that the title of a movie is “Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters” and then see that the poster is this:

You know exactly what you’re getting in to. One of those great unpretentious movies that does exactly what it says on the tin. Perfect for making a martini (or two) and sitting down to laugh at the ridiculous action. Crazy guns, gratuitous violence, and many eEeEeEvilllll witches mowed down with steampunk automatic machine guns. I give it 4.5 poisoned apples out of 5, and will leave you with a quote from the director–

“I’m still surprised that they went for it, because it’s a crazy, rock n’ roll script. It’s full throttle, there’s lots of blood and gore and bad language, I often wonder how I got this movie made.”

For tonight’s entertainment

Hansel and Gretel on the TV and a sweet martini with the last of my Death’s Door gin and Cocci Americano vermouth.

I’ll let you know how the movie goes. The martini is super deluxe.

A short movie review: Interstellar

It was… interesting. And really really long. But better than that pile of pretensions that is 2001 Space Odyssey if the whole “next jump in human evolution” schtick is your thing. Could have been a pretty sucky movie, but Matthew McConaughey is so good you could just watch him eat soup for a couple hours and go “yeah, that was pretty good.” Nice near future technology, I actually really liked the robots (a strange and original design that had lots of fun ways the director could mess with them, and well, I guess they had to fit a monolith in somewhere). And a soundtrack that was basically Inception but take out the tuba and add in a massive pipe organ.

It really could have been pared down though, about an hour and a half into it I started going “good grief this is dragging on.” And, you know what? Spoiler alert, but I think it would have been better if he had died at the end.

I heard one review say that he wasn’t that happy that they had to mix in “magic” to the hard sci-fi, but that if you had to do it this was the best way you could, and I would agree with that. But hey, I didn’t have to buy my tickets (traded some vanilla beans, actually, to my buddy for his hard cider).

TLDR, I give it 2.5 black holes out of 5. Very beautiful and great acting, but not really my thing.

A short movie review: Guardians of the Galaxy

Let’s see. I think I can say that this is my favorite Marvel movie yet, or at least tied with the first Iron Man, which means it’s a knife edge in front of The Avengers. Definitely the funniest Marvel flick–just an amazingly large amount of snarky banter, which is pretty much how you get into the fast lane to my heart. Plus, cool spaceships and lots of explosions, which are the other two ways to get in. And gunfights with maniacal laughter. And a pretty good mixtape. Another couple ways in. It does a good job at introducing all these new characters without mindless exposition.

So yeah. I’ll give it the highly coveted “This Summer’s Pacific Rim” award, which means I’ll also probably be giving it another couple views in theaters and another couple hand fulls of dollars. And the greatest thing about it is that even people who haven’t seen the other Marvel movies can watch it, because there’s not a whole lot of overlap with anything that’s happened in the others! So no excuses, bluesun says: “go see it!”

Off to the movies

Going to see Guardians of the Galaxy. Looks entertaining. Actually, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it’s been my most anticipated flick of 2014. Hope my expectations aren’t crushed and shattered! Ta!

So I went to the theater

Last weekend I went to the theater with some friends, to finally watch the next Hobbit movie. I’m really not sure that it was worth it. I mean, you’re back to Peter Jackson’s amazing imagining of Tolkien’s world, but then you have to slog through many many hours of slush that just made me go “That scene could have been cut.”

“That scene could have been cut.”

“That scene could have been cut.”

“That scene could have been cut.”

“Why did they add that to the story?”

“Eegads.”

Smaug was amazing, Martin Freeman was great, in what few scenes they let him be in (seriously guys, the movie is called THE HOBBIT, where was the frikken Hobbit?) It was, at least, understandable why and how they let Orlando Bloom back in, but the weird random love triangle and all the Laketown stuff (as much as I like Steven Fry in everything else he does) were both ennnnnnndlessssssss…

And then they didn’t even bother to try to make it into a “part 2,” and went instead for a “part 1 of part 3.” The money grubbing extension of a beloved story was obvious, and, obnoxiously, it worked to get me to the theater for the first time since Pacific Rim (which I went to twice, and the only regret I have is that I didn’t go to see it three times), so… good job guys. I will go to see part three, if only to see how you manage to stretch out an hour left of book time into another three hours of film. Seriously, with just the time I invested into part 2, I could have been half way through the actual book.

Gah. TLDR: if you saw the first one, rent this one next winter the day before you go see to the the third installment.

Guess the movie

Mel Brooks does a terrible, terrible, hilarious German-evil-scientist accent.

What if…

From now on, if I get the hankering to watch Star Wars, I’m just going to watch this guy’s prequels before getting to the originals. Episode 1 was ok, but 2 and 3 were just hours of whining followed by a big “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

Excellence

More Pacific Rim stuff, this time a trailer in the style of the old Godzilla movies!

A Short Movie Review: Pacific Rim

There is a scene that goes something like:
Pilot One: “We’re all out of options!”
Pilot Two: “There’s still one option” [looks at a big red “SWORD BUTTON” in the middle of the console]
[Pilot One presses “SWORD BUTTON”]
[Retractable sword appears out of giant robot’s arm]
[Sword used to cut off the wing of giant monster]
[Giant Robot plummets back to earth]
[Giant robot saves itself from crashing and destroying itself by firing GIANT TURBINE BUILT INTO ITS CHEST]
People on ground: [CHEERS]

Let me repeat that: THIS MOVIE HAS A GIANT ROBOT THAT HAS A BIG RED SWORD BUTTON.

This movie has a big red sword button. I wish more things had big red sword buttons. I wish everything had a big red sword button. Since Pacific Rim has a big red sword button, and is currently the only movie I know of that has a big red sword button, it is currently the only movie I know of that is worth watching.

TL:DR Version: GO WATCH MOVIE WITH BIG RED SWORD BUTTON NOW

T-t-t-t-ToooOOOO Much Time on their ha-ands

This.