So I went to the theater

Last weekend I went to the theater with some friends, to finally watch the next Hobbit movie. I’m really not sure that it was worth it. I mean, you’re back to Peter Jackson’s amazing imagining of Tolkien’s world, but then you have to slog through many many hours of slush that just made me go “That scene could have been cut.”

“That scene could have been cut.”

“That scene could have been cut.”

“That scene could have been cut.”

“Why did they add that to the story?”


Smaug was amazing, Martin Freeman was great, in what few scenes they let him be in (seriously guys, the movie is called THE HOBBIT, where was the frikken Hobbit?) It was, at least, understandable why and how they let Orlando Bloom back in, but the weird random love triangle and all the Laketown stuff (as much as I like Steven Fry in everything else he does) were both ennnnnnndlessssssss…

And then they didn’t even bother to try to make it into a “part 2,” and went instead for a “part 1 of part 3.” The money grubbing extension of a beloved story was obvious, and, obnoxiously, it worked to get me to the theater for the first time since Pacific Rim (which I went to twice, and the only regret I have is that I didn’t go to see it three times), so… good job guys. I will go to see part three, if only to see how you manage to stretch out an hour left of book time into another three hours of film. Seriously, with just the time I invested into part 2, I could have been half way through the actual book.

Gah. TLDR: if you saw the first one, rent this one next winter the day before you go see to the the third installment.


Filed under movies, mumblegrumble

11 responses to “So I went to the theater

  1. And “The Hobbit” was the shortest of the 4-part trilogy. One (well-made) movie should do it; it should have been (the first) part of the original (4-part) sequence, not an extended after-thought.


    • I could understand doing a two parter if they wanted to do some backstory stuff outside of the Hobbit pepper, but three is stupid ridiculous.

  2. Now to be fair, it was better than “An Unexpected Journey.”

    If they put together the best and most plot-relevant parts of both movies, they might have something I’d happily watch. As it was, by the time Smaug actually appeared onscreen, I was too busy thinking about relativity and the speed at which nerve impulses travel.(Realistically, a creature Smaug’s size would take several seconds between thinking “I want to twitch my tail” and its tail saying “Hey, Brain wants me to twitch!”)

    • A story that isn’t Hard SciFi shouldn’t be making you try to think about the mechanics of how things work…

      • Absolutely true, and dragons usually get to handwave the size thing because “Dragon!” and “Magic!”

        That one’s not entirely the movie’s fault, though. I’m a little crazy in that regard.

        On the other hand, I NEVER thought about any of that while watching Thor or The Avengers or playing Shadow of the Colossus, the latter of which features a half-kilometer-long flying whale that you have to jump onto from a horse moving at full gallop.

        I was ALSO thinking about how much the dialog between Bilbo and Smaug didn’t match up with the book, and may have stopped listening after a while, so I guess THAT is the movie’s fault.

        • And then there’s Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann. The end features a fight between two robots each of which is 9 MILLION light-years tall, and if that sounds crazy, then you can understand why I REFUSED to watch it for months after hearing about it.

          You watch the 24 intervening episodes, though, and you don’t think about the transrelativistic speeds required for a single muscle twitch… you just say “THEY’RE FIGHTING THE ANTI-SPIRALS IN THE BIGGEST MECH EVER IN A WORLD OUTSIDE TIME AND SPACE, THIS IS AWESOME!”

          (and then I found out that Super Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann is only the THIRD biggest mech ever… and it’s so big TTGL fits inside its HEAD.)

          That’s right, I thought the series where a redhead in a bikini shoots robots with a sniper rifle(at one point, while posing as a schoolteacher) had less absurdity in it than a movie based on a masterpiece of classic literature. Well done, Peter Jackson.

        • Good storytelling makes you ignore inconsistencies (or depending on what they’re going for, rejoices in them), or even better, makes you not even realize they’re there. Bad storytelling makes you go “This scene could be cut, this scene could be cut…” Desolation of Smaug was just a plain ol’ bad movie.

  3. Just remember, if you’re not stealing these movies, you’re paying them to make these movies.

    Leave it to Hollywood to make theft the moral choice!