Category Archives: movies

So I went to the theater

Last weekend I went to the theater with some friends, to finally watch the next Hobbit movie. I’m really not sure that it was worth it. I mean, you’re back to Peter Jackson’s amazing imagining of Tolkien’s world, but then you have to slog through many many hours of slush that just made me go “That scene could have been cut.”

“That scene could have been cut.”

“That scene could have been cut.”

“That scene could have been cut.”

“Why did they add that to the story?”

“Eegads.”

Smaug was amazing, Martin Freeman was great, in what few scenes they let him be in (seriously guys, the movie is called THE HOBBIT, where was the frikken Hobbit?) It was, at least, understandable why and how they let Orlando Bloom back in, but the weird random love triangle and all the Laketown stuff (as much as I like Steven Fry in everything else he does) were both ennnnnnndlessssssss…

And then they didn’t even bother to try to make it into a “part 2,” and went instead for a “part 1 of part 3.” The money grubbing extension of a beloved story was obvious, and, obnoxiously, it worked to get me to the theater for the first time since Pacific Rim (which I went to twice, and the only regret I have is that I didn’t go to see it three times), so… good job guys. I will go to see part three, if only to see how you manage to stretch out an hour left of book time into another three hours of film. Seriously, with just the time I invested into part 2, I could have been half way through the actual book.

Gah. TLDR: if you saw the first one, rent this one next winter the day before you go see to the the third installment.

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Guess the movie

Mel Brooks does a terrible, terrible, hilarious German-evil-scientist accent.

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What if…

From now on, if I get the hankering to watch Star Wars, I’m just going to watch this guy’s prequels before getting to the originals. Episode 1 was ok, but 2 and 3 were just hours of whining followed by a big “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

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Excellence

More Pacific Rim stuff, this time a trailer in the style of the old Godzilla movies!

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A Short Movie Review: Pacific Rim

There is a scene that goes something like:
Pilot One: “We’re all out of options!”
Pilot Two: “There’s still one option” [looks at a big red "SWORD BUTTON" in the middle of the console]
[Pilot One presses "SWORD BUTTON"]
[Retractable sword appears out of giant robot's arm]
[Sword used to cut off the wing of giant monster]
[Giant Robot plummets back to earth]
[Giant robot saves itself from crashing and destroying itself by firing GIANT TURBINE BUILT INTO ITS CHEST]
People on ground: [CHEERS]

Let me repeat that: THIS MOVIE HAS A GIANT ROBOT THAT HAS A BIG RED SWORD BUTTON.

This movie has a big red sword button. I wish more things had big red sword buttons. I wish everything had a big red sword button. Since Pacific Rim has a big red sword button, and is currently the only movie I know of that has a big red sword button, it is currently the only movie I know of that is worth watching.

TL:DR Version: GO WATCH MOVIE WITH BIG RED SWORD BUTTON NOW

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T-t-t-t-ToooOOOO Much Time on their ha-ands

This.

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Starting to feel like this

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This is what I got in the mail today

image

Classic.

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For tonight’s entertainment

Muppet Christmas Carol. Because the best Scrooge is Michael Caine. Period.

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Watching a movie

Best line of it yet:  “KHAAANNNN!!!”

Guess which one?

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For KX59

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BAM! The movie of choice in 1998! And the poster is still up on my wall after all those years… next to my Star Wars Podracer poster, and my map of the Lewis and Clark expedition, and one wall over from my US presidents (up to Jimmy Carter) poster, and across from the glued together Totoro puzzle and 1997 Denver Broncos AFC Champions pennant…

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Your Netflix recommendation of the day

Note by Note: The Making of Steinway L1037.

I found it to be an utterly fascinating look at all the work that goes in to one of these handcrafted, amazingly intricate devices–from the guy who goes up to Alaska to source wood, to the concert hall pianist who faces the painstaking choice of which work-of-art piano to use with his next performance at Carnegie Hall, and everyone in between. It’s the people who make this one–it’s just amazing to see the complete melting pot that is Steinway and Sons. There’s the Puerto Rican guys who can’t even speak English, and the lady making frames who sounds like she’s from Russia, and all of the stereotypical New Yohkers. All of them show immense pride in the quality of their work, and it shows.

Very interesting, and very good. I give it 5/5, the best documentary I’ve seen since Horatio’s Drive.

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A short movie review: Wreck it Ralph

Saw Wreck it Ralph over the weekend, the latest from Disney–if you haven’t seen the trailers then the synopsis would be something like this: Inside the arcade, all the characters of the video games have real lives, and go about their business when the lights go off after closing time. Think, maybe, Toy Story by way of Tron (or vice versa), only without any Real Life People in it to muddle the audience’s emotions. It has so many video game tropes in it, from the hard as nails female leader in the FPS game (with the “most tragic back story ever”) to the ultra-cutesy Japanese chibi characters in the candy-themed Mario Kart analogue. Well paced, well voice-acted, a storyline–or at least, a setting–original enough to keep you invested besides just the gleeful animation… if you have ever in your life enjoyed a video game or an arcade, I would highly recommend it. Heck, I’d recommend it even if you just like a good animated movie every so often. And considering that the review in the paper was written by some Chicago Libtard who is utterly and completely convinced that this movie and the video games behind it are the reasons they have so many gang shootings (no, I am not exaggerating; it really was that bad), you might enjoy it just to piss him off.

9/10, and yes, if I had an excuse, I could be talked in to going to see it again in theaters.

Oh, and can I just say that I heartily approve of the idea of Disney putting little shorts at the beginning of their movies, even if the one opening for Wreck it Ralph was a little bit “meh”?

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A short movie review: Conan The Barbarian

I watched the new Conan the Barbarian movie last night, because it was on Netflix and my mother wasn’t home. It was surprisingly good. That is, I went in with low expectations and they were mildly exceeded. If you like movies with evil witches and warlords, movies where heroes who only suffer setbacks when it advances the story, movies where the men wear leather armor and the ladies don’t wear much of anything, movies that surpass “occasional limb hacked off” and go straight for gore Gore GORE, implausibly cheesy amounts of gore! and/or movies where there is little dialogue, what dialogue there is is muddier than Bane on severe depressants, but it doesn’t matter because there’s another sword fight to watch–ooo! this time on a boat–this time in a cave–this time with a giant sea monster–Conan might be right up your alley. It’s like a slightly less goofy Scorpion King, even down to the protagonists looking like they could be cousins. I would rate it at… oh, say, three slabs of well aged bleu cheese out of five.

Oh yeah, and there was a cat fight–with skulls!  And a sand battle.  And two sidekicks–one who was a big black guy, and one who was a slinky little middle eastern guy.  Come to think of it, it pretty much was Scorpion King, without Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

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