I watched the new Conan the Barbarian movie last night, because it was on Netflix and my mother wasn’t home. It was surprisingly good. That is, I went in with low expectations and they were mildly exceeded. If you like movies with evil witches and warlords, movies where heroes who only suffer setbacks when it advances the story, movies where the men wear leather armor and the ladies don’t wear much of anything, movies that surpass “occasional limb hacked off” and go straight for gore Gore GORE, implausibly cheesy amounts of gore! and/or movies where there is little dialogue, what dialogue there is is muddier than Bane on severe depressants, but it doesn’t matter because there’s another sword fight to watch–ooo! this time on a boat–this time in a cave–this time with a giant sea monster–Conan might be right up your alley. It’s like a slightly less goofy Scorpion King, even down to the protagonists looking like they could be cousins. I would rate it at… oh, say, three slabs of well aged bleu cheese out of five.
Oh yeah, and there was a cat fight–with skulls! And a sand battle. And two sidekicks–one who was a big black guy, and one who was a slinky little middle eastern guy. Come to think of it, it pretty much was Scorpion King, without Dwayne The Rock Johnson.